Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Difficult Letters to Write

Day 8: Three things you want to say to three different people

I know some people doing this challenge are keeping this post kinda short. I wasn't sure how I wanted to do this. I might go all serious on y'all for today (I know I don't do that all too often). This might get a little long, so bear with me. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it. I put a lot of thought into it.

Most of you know what happened to me back in December (if you are new to my blog or just don't know, please click here to read about it). I was told by a counselor it might be good for me to write this out, so here I go.

FYI: I'm counting the first one as a letter to two people because there were two guys actually holding me up (a third guy ran up as they were driving off)

Person 1 (and 2): To the guys who stole my car-

I'm not going to lie and say this is easy for me to write down. So many thoughts have gone through my head over the past four months. You will never know that a short joy ride for you in some stranger's car has totally turned their life upside down and has taken away a sense of security they have yet to get back. Did you know as you were threatening to shoot me (whether you really would have or not) that it would cause me to have nightmares that to this day still wake me up in the middle of the night? Did you know that I sometimes still see you and hear your threats when I close my eyes at night? Did you know that I would have full blown panic attacks at the thought of being in my car by myself, especially at night? Did you know that I would be forced to move from my home of seven years because the thought of being back there caused me severe anguish? Did you know that even as I was packing up my old home (during the day), I would find myself shaking uncontrollably at the thought of even being in the same area where this happened? Did you know that any noise in the middle of the night now wakes me up and that I sometimes can't get back to sleep? Did you know I sometimes wonder why you picked me? Had you been watching me? Did you know I was by myself? Was it a last second, moment of opportunity? As much as I hate to even think this (and I do feel like a terrible person for it), did you pick me because I was white? For years there were jokes about me being the "token white girl" in the neighborhood. It never bothered me, not once. But after this happened, I started to wonder if that had something to do with it. Did you know that this incident would actually make me stronger in my faith? Did you know I had been struggling in my relationship with God over the past year and a half and that this incident just proved how faithful He was and that no matter what I had done or how I had acted, He took care of me in my time of need? Did you know as hard as it was for me to do it, I eventually prayed for you after this happened? I will be forever grateful that you just wanted my car, and not me. I can't let myself think how bad this could have been. Did you know that car was the first one I purchased totally on my own? Did you have fun knocking out the windows and beating it up? I saw what was left of it. Did you know that paperclip angel on a red ribbon that was hanging around the rear view mirror (that I found on the floorboard), was given to me by my niece when she was five (she's now 14). As silly as it sounds, I always told her that was my Guardian Angel and that is why I kept it in my car. Maybe it was. Thank you for leaving it. I have it in my new car and it's there to watch over me again. Thank you for leaving my Bible. You don't know it, but the one thing I wanted back after you took my car wasn't my wallet, my iPhone, or my bags of Christmas presents. I wanted back my Bible. Part of me kind of wishes that you had read it. Maybe you need to know that someone loves you. I wish I could tell you that I've totally forgiven all of you. I'm not there yet. Maybe that makes me a bad person. But you know what, God has forgiven you. He's showing me that I need to. I'll get there one day. I hope whatever is going on in your life that would cause you to do this to another person is fixed soon. I hope you all realize you have potential to be better than that. I also hope that you never have to go through what I've gone through.

Person 3: (I'm not saying who this is to, I'm not sure he reads my blog, but in case he does or in case he stumbles across it, I don't want to be faced with that kind of embarrassment). Although I'm 99% sure he will know it's to him.

I didn't realize until recently that you were my "what if". It's not like I had thought about it over the years. But after everything that happened with us recently, I realized in the back of my subconscious, whether I wanted to admit it or not, I had always wondered "what if" we had happened. Would it have worked out? Maybe. Maybe not. I think if you were completely honest with me (and yourself), somewhere in the back of your mind I was your "what if" too (whether you were consciously aware of it or not). I think we both got caught up in the "what if". Neither one of us were mentally or emotionally in a place where we should have tested it. I have realized that you can't always go back. People change. I'm a different person. You're a different person. Sometimes I think it's best to leave the "what if" exactly as it is, just a "what if". I know we will eventually talk again. We will text, email, maybe even call, and we can get back to our friendship. Regardless of what happens, I do care about you, and I want the best for you.

Okay, those are my letters (yes, I know I kinda cheated by only writing two). Thank y'all for reading!!

XOXO!

12 comments:

  1. I love you and I am sending you hugs. Also, I want to say to the guy who stole your car....If I ever see your stupid butt, you are going to see what a angry redhead can do. Be afraid. Rachel is the best person on earth and you hurt her. I am only one in long line too.

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    1. Amen Laura! They should be very afraid, not of one angry redhead but two!!

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  2. Love this. So honest. And real. I can certainly relate to both accounts. Hugs.

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  3. Rachel,

    Very well written!!!! I am sure you struggle with forgiveness like we all do. Miss hanging out with you from time to time. Opening Cowboys???

    Scott

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  4. Love the honesty. And I agree that it's good to get out how you feel. I'm glad that you're getting better, and that God has turned something horrible into something to make you better and stronger. Just like he promises he will.

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  5. Oh Rachel thanks for making me cry while I'm at work. Your first letter is amazing! I'm so proud of you for being brave enough to share all of your thoughts and feelings w/ the blog world. You are such a good person and the fact that you can even talk forgiveness is awesome! I think I would just want to stay angry and hate them. But who is that going to help/hurt in the long run. I hope those boys will get the help they need. I hope they do not hurt anyone else. For you - I hope one day you will feel at peace, safe and secure in your home, in your car, being alone. . .
    I hate that you still have nightmares and feel scared. That sucks! I hope over time it will get much better. You know I'm always here for you if you need to talk/vent.

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  6. I wish I could reach out and hug you right now, twinnie!

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  7. Rachel,
    You are such a beautiful and strong woman.
    I am so glad I had got the opportunity to meet you. Love ya girl!

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  8. This is excellent Rachel. Good for you. It is odd, isn't it, the times when we are struck by God's goodness? It comes at the most unexpected moments.

    “And forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us” (Matthew 6:12)

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  9. <3 I'm still so glad you're okay. I know all of what happened to you is still so unbelievably hard, but you're still here. You're here for a reason and I know you'll make the most of your life! I can't wait to give you an extra hard squeeze when we meet. Presumably at a Rangers game! :)

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  10. Thinking of you and praying for you, Rachel. Those were tough things to write, to be able to put out there, baring your soul, so to speak. Praise God that He has you in the palm of His hand.

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  11. Amazing letters and I will be praying for you I can't imagine being in that situation but know my thoughts are with you!

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